Fifty Shades of Grey Revisited Chapter Ten (Part 1): Paging Dr. Cool Mom
FYI, I’ve just republished my first three romance novels–Whip Smart, Strictly Business, and High Risk–for a limited time only. So, if you’d like to support what I do here (but don’t want to commit to Patreon and Ko-fi isn’t your thing) and you’d like to get a taste of my fiction writing, please consider checking them out before they go back into the Disney Vault! No, I can’t guarantee that you won’t be frustrated by the cliffhanger at the end of High Risk that I’m 95% certain I’m never going to resolve because I’m so burned out on billionaire romance, nor can I guarantee there aren’t moments of “why the hell did 24-year-old me write this” cringe in Whip Smart. But hey, they’re all free on Kindle Unlimited right now and only a few bucks if you don’t have KU, so why not?
Also, a quick note on my “Dan Brown Revisited” Angels and Demons recap, in case anyone has been wondering about it. Sorry for only getting one post into it, and I swear to you that I had a healthy chunk of the next one completed, but I’m just so busy with a whole bunch of other responsibilities in my life right now that I honestly have no idea if I’m going to get back to it or not. I’m definitely going to keep going with Fifty Shades Revisited, but I have to level with you here, sporking Dan Brown’s writing is surprisingly the more painstaking task because of just how much fact-checking it involves. I am considering doing a video essay retrospective on Brown’s Robert Langdon books/movie adaptations, but of course that all depends on me finally managing to get my YouTube channel off the ground. I might also continue with the A&D recaps on my Patreon as I’m working on that video, but we’ll see how it goes. Oh, the joys of having too many creative projects going at once with too little time and too little consistency in getting my ADHD meds refilled…
(As always, quotes from FSOG are in purple, and quotes from Grey are in green.)
We’ve got a lotta ground to cover in this chapter; originally I thought I could knock it all out in one post, but then I got a mere page into both POVs and simply had too much to rant about, so it looks like I’ll be splitting this one into two parts again. At the end of the last one, Christian was still balls-deep in Ana when his mom suddenly showed up. Thankfully, Taylor was there outside the bedroom door to prevent this from happening:
“What the hell is my mother doing here?” Grey thinks, yanking his dick out of Ana so quickly that she winces, which he notices but doesn’t give a shit about. So, obviously Mr. “I don’t do the girlfriend thing and don’t want to give this chick any ideas about this being a serious relationship or anything” must be all disgruntled about having to run interference on his mom to keep these two separate spheres of his life from colliding, right? Well, no, actually, because he’s immediately all like “Well, she’s about to get a surprise” and “My mother is going to be thrilled” about the prospect of her meeting the woman she almost walked in on him fucking.
“Come on, we need to get dressed—that’s if you want to meet my mother.” He grins, leaps up off the bed, and pulls on his jeans—no underwear!
Um, holy chafing? Ow? I take it that I’m supposed to be impressed at how adept he is with handling his own junk or something that he didn’t get his dick caught on his zipper, but all I feel is disappointed.
Ana, naturally, starts flipping out again:
“I have no clean clothes in here.” I am filled with sudden panic, and considering what I’ve just experienced, I’m finding the panic overwhelming. His mother! Holy crap. I have no clean clothes, and she’s practically walked in on us in flagrante delicto. “Perhaps I should stay here.”
For once, I don’t blame her for her anxiety attack here. She’s been getting nothing but mixed signals and sexual manipulation from this guy, she’s just had her brains fucked out and is still too dazzled by Christian’s glorious sexiness and overwhelmed by her own inexperience to know how to process all these emotions, and now all of a sudden he wants her to meet his mother? Sure, I could roast her for the pretentiousness of that gratuitous Latin, and on the surface it’s a little silly that she’s hung up on not having freshly laundered clothes, but honestly, I find it pretty realistic for her panicked mind to latch onto an inconsequential detail like that while floundering to rationalize her spike in anxiety.
See, I can be nice sometimes.
Christian, naturally, misses the point completely. And now he’s gone from offering Ana to meet his mom if she wants, to demanding that she do so:
“Anastasia, you could be wearing a sack and you’d look lovely. Please don’t worry. I’d like you to meet my mother. Get dressed. I’ll just go and calm her down. I’ll expect you in that room in five minutes, otherwise I’ll come and drag you out of here myself in whatever you’re wearing. My T-shirts are in this drawer. My shirts are in the closet. Help yourself.”
Her eyes widen.
Yes. I’m serious, baby.
No, you fucking aren’t. Adding to my running list of least favorite alphahole romance hero tropes, here’s another thing that I hate: when the MMC threatens (whether playfully or legitimately) the FMC with public sex/nudity (or sex/nudity in front of friends/family) and acts like he’s totally going to follow through with it. It’s super annoying and I call bullshit on it every time. Yes, even in books where the main couple does get freaky in public or quasi-public spaces, because in those scenes the point is that they’re ostensibly trying not to get caught and it’s usually a heat of the moment thing where they simply can’t control themselves, and part of the thrill is supposed to be that someone could walk in on them/figure out what they’re secretly doing but they never do! Look, I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with a little exhibitionism under the right circumstances, and I can usually suspend my disbelief for the sake of fantasy in the aforementioned types of scenes, but this is the complete opposite of the right circumstances! 1) the FMC is rarely consenting or in a place to give informed consent (because who wouldn’t assume their partner was actually just kidding about it and call their bluff); 2) no one else who can see them asked to watch these two freaks get nasty in front of them; and 3) specifically in this scene, that’s your mom you’re threating to drag a naked woman in front of, you disgusting trash goblin. Because that’s clearly what he’s implying here, that he’ll march Ana out to meet her even if she’s wearing nothing at all.
And fourthly—and this is the main point I’m trying to make here—is that for some inexplicable reason this crops up in billionaire/famous rich dude romances all the time, where there’s either the constant threat of their relationship becoming tabloid fodder, or the guy allegedly wants to keep their relationship private, or both. OK, I guess it’s not really inexplicable because I guess it’s supposed to be a dominance thing, but you get my point, right? It’s dumb and annoying and makes no sense. And sure, this scene right here in particular isn’t the same as reckless (and potentially criminal) public sex, but I’m putting it in the same trope category because Christian Grey’s whole deal is supposed to be extreme secrecy about his sex life, especially from his own family, coupled with a refusal to publicly acknowledge his intimate relationship with a woman, so it makes zero sense for him to parade the woman he’s pretty clearly just had sex with in front of his mom, let alone pretend he’d seriously do it even if Ana was naked. Grey is absolutely the type of man to get his kicks out of humiliating a woman, but doing it like this? Absolutely fucking not. So no, you’re not serious, baby, and I’d really love to see just what you would do if Ana was smart enough and brave enough to call your bluff.
Ana, as established, has the brains and the spine of a jellyfish, so she doesn’t question this or his sudden urgent need for her to meet his mom. Once he leaves the room, though, she does a quick 180 of her own when she realizes this could be an opportunity to pry more into Christian’s private life:
Holy shit. Christian’s mother. This is so much more than I bargained for. Perhaps meeting her will help put a little part of the jigsaw in place. Might help me understand why Christian is the way he is… Suddenly, I want to meet her.
After whining some more about her clothes (though she does put most of them back on), whining about her “just-fucked” hair, internally slut-shaming herself again, and putting on a pair of Christian’s underwear that magically fits without bunching up awkwardly under her jeans because “if there’s one thing I hate, it’s not wearing clean panties” (oh my god, just suck it up, Ana), she’s finally ready. Meanwhile, Christian go to tell his rather nosy mom, Grace, to chill the eff out. Anyone else getting Stirling Archer vibes from the incredibly stilted way he talks to her?
“Hello, Mother.” I kiss her proffered cheek. “I’ll deal with her from here,” I say to Taylor.
[…]
“Deal with me?” she says in rebuke. “I was shopping downtown and I thought I might pop in for coffee.” She stops. “If I’d known you weren’t alone…” She shrugs in an awkward, girlish way.
She has often stopped by for coffee and there was a woman here… she just never knew.
“She’ll join us in a moment.” […]
“She?”
“Yes, Mother. She.” My tone is dry as I try not to laugh.
MOTHER. GRILL ME A CHEESE.
“She has often stopped by for coffee and there was a woman here… she just never knew.” The Patrick Bateman vibes continue to intensify. Hell, even in context that line is just plain creepy, but it’s just so hilariously horrifying to me that ELJ had no idea that this makes it sound like Christian has been hastily stowing dead bodies under the couch or in the hall closet just before Grace walked in every time she comes over for coffee.
This line drives me nuts for another reason, though; James is making a point of how secretive about his relationships Christian normally is, and the way he typically treats the women he bangs. It has never even occurred to him before to let his submissives out of the dungeon when his mom was over because it wasn’t that kind of relationship, and all of his subs were just expected to be cool with that as well. So, not to keep harping on this, but why the sudden change? What is making Christian suddenly act OOC, being all eager and happy to introduce his mom to his latest sexual conquest? Because remember, that’s still all Ana is supposed to be to him right now; regardless of his creepy, stalkery obsession with her, he is still going to spend the rest of the first book(s) insisting that they totally aren’t boyfriend-girlfriend and he doesn’t want any kind of emotional intimacy or deeper commitment with her. Literally the moment before Grace walked in, he was still trying to manipulate Ana into saying yes to being the type of woman who stays quietly locked in her cage while his mom chats with him about brunch at the yacht club or whatever in the next room. And now here he is, ruining all of that for himself, blithely remarking about this being “another first” before abruptly insisting that she meet his mom.
WHY?
And before you tell me that I’m missing the point here, that it doesn’t matter that this is a contrived circumstance because it serves a specific function in the fantasy of the One Special Woman that so many romance novels are built on, I get that. Trust me, I do; I used to be a romance author myself. And that’s why I’m so mad. Because E.L. James has a shockingly poor understanding of Romancelandia logic. You see, playboy heroes who fear love and commitment for whatever reason until The One comes along, breaks down his barriers, and eventually makes him realize that he is capable of love and only wants to be with her forever are a dime a dozen. I’m personally not a huge fan of this trope (with some exceptions… I’m mean, I did kinda start writing one in High Risk, after all) and think it can get stale quickly, but I understand why lots of people love it, and I also think I understand fairly well how and why this trope works.
Obviously, that’s the type of relationship dynamic ELJ was going for with Ana and Christian; the domineering bad boy who slowly lowers his walls and finds himself breaking his own personal rules when it comes to this woman for seemingly inexplicable reasons. And yeah, often that includes things such as meeting the parents when he never would have imagined doing such a thing with any previous partner. But here’s the catch: these changes still have to be organic and motivated by something. Sure, the MMC himself or the FMC might find it surprising or inexplicable in the moment when he acts in opposition to his previously stated desires, but to the reader it shouldn’t be inexplicable at all, because it should be clear from the sum total of his words and actions (and emotions if we’re in his POV) that what he’s doing is acting on his unconscious true desires that he’s still too stubborn to acknowledge at this point in the story. Or, he rationalizes his own behavior by telling himself that he’s doing something for one reason, but deep down his motivations are twisted up in his feelings for his love interest.
The hero doesn’t just randomly do, say, enjoy, want, need, or change his opinion about something that’s seemingly OOC for him just because the author feels like it in the moment; his changes are gradual and earned. And if you, the hypothetical author, need to have him change his mind about something rapidly or confront something about himself that he wouldn’t otherwise, then you force it on him with an unavoidable circumstance. Sure, it might seem contrived in the real world, but this isn’t the real world, it’s Romancelandia. And a romance book should still abide by its own internal logic; a seemingly contrived scene or action should still be realistic in the sense that it could still feasibly happen no matter how unlikely and doesn’t break the reader’s suspension of disbelief.
This right here? This breaks my suspension of disbelief. This goes against all romance logic, not to mention the very basic concept of character motivation itself. Realistically, going by Christian’s established character, the scene as set up by the end of the previous chapter would probably end with him telling Ana to stay in the bedroom while he sees what his mom wants and rushes her out the door again with some excuse. But even for people who genuinely like alphahole characters this would probably be dickish and a turn off, and it’s not typically how these stories go. So, if the author doesn’t want to make her MMC too much of an asshole, and it wouldn’t make sense for him to actually want the FMC to meet his mom in this scenario, what to do? Well, the answer is to simply take away his choice in the matter and have him be unable to hide Ana from his mom. Have her simply walk into the apartment while they’re making out in the living room or something. Then use each of their reactions to this situation as a way to develop their characters and relationship, rather than having Christian decide out of fucking nowhere that now would be the perfect time to do something wildly out of character!
Do you see why it drives me insane that E.L. Fucking James is one of the most famous and best-selling romance authors ever? She doesn’t understand the erotic romance genre at all; not the major tropes, not why readers like them, and not what readers expect from the genre. Hell, she doesn’t seem to even have a particularly good grasp on the fundamentals of narrative fiction like consistency and character building! And yeah, I know, if you’re one of the few who read my slightly embarrassing first couple romance novels then I might sound like a hypocrite, because I didn’t necessarily write “to market,” at least with The Loft books. But at least I learned hard lessons as I went, still made an effort to write with an eye for what did and didn’t work in romance, and there’s a reason why I eventually burned out on the genre and realized it didn’t suit me as a writer.
The only way to account for ELJ’s runaway success as a romance author is to put it within the context of how she got her start, because I truly believe she is one of the best living examples of being in the right place at the right time. She ported over a lot of her fans from her days as a Twific author, a lot of whom I’m willing to bet weren’t really into mainstream published adult contemporary romance beforehand, then got lucky enough to P2P her most popular fic at the exact moment when indie publishing and ebooks were really starting to take off. Looking at it that way, it’s no wonder so many devoted romance readers shun these books and why so many others who may have been introduced to the genre by them have long moved past them. And it’s no wonder that even the most well-known Fifty Shades “imitators” that I also hate (or have an extremely complicated love/hate relationship with) such as the Driven series, the Crossfire series, and the Up in the Air trilogy took Fifty Shades’ basic premise and managed to do it better. And I could rant about each and every one of those for almost as long as FSOG, so you know I’m being serious when I’m listing those as comparatively good examples of this trope.
And to top it all off, we’re supposed to be in Christian’s head right now, so why the hell do his motivations still make no damn sense? I know the real reason she wrote Grey was easy money, but ostensibly the reason was to given us a deeper exploration of his character than what we got from just Ana’s perspective. Instead, reading Grey is actively undermining my attempts to understand him, because all I’ve learned from his POV so far is that Christian is a man who truly just does random shit for no logical reason, then acts like a cranky bitch when he doesn’t like the end result that he should have expected from his stupid actions.
Whatever. I’m still only one page into this chapter and I simply have to move on. Grace is giving me slight helicopter parent vibes, I gotta be honest. I know she’s family, but does she always just barge into her son’s home like this anytime she feels like having coffee? From what it sounded like last chapter, it seems like she was on the verge of shoving right past Taylor and bursting into his bedroom just because she was worried about him sleeping in. Was Christian not answering her calls for two days or something? Is there a family emergency?
Nah, apparently this is just normal for her; her precious little boy has just been working too hard and she “thought I might drag you away.” In any case, this rather affected little exchange of motherly doting is just an excuse for Christian to ask why she and his dad aren’t at Mass this morning (because the Greys are Catholic, I suppose), to which she says they’re going to evening Mass (I guess some churches also have evening Masses on Sundays and not just Saturdays?), all so this ridiculously peak emo moment can happen:
“I suppose it’s too much to hope that you’ll come with us.”
I raise an eyebrow in cynical contempt. “Mother, you know that’s not for me.”
God and I turned our backs on each other a long time ago.
Really, a “Byronic hero” is just a “dramatic, self-obsessed weirdo” with an MFA.
Ana finally comes out to join them:
His expression is warm and appreciative. The sandy-haired woman beside him turns and beams at me, a full megawatt smile. She stands, too. She’s impeccably attired in a camel-colored fine knit sweater dress with matching shoes. She looks groomed, elegant, beautiful, and inside I die a little, knowing I look such a mess.
“Mother, this is Anastasia Steele. Anastasia, this is Grace Trevelyan-Grey.”
Dr. Trevelyan-Grey holds her hand out to me. T…for Trevelyan? His initial.
It will never not be funny to me that every time Ana is supposed to be all self-conscious when there’s another attractive woman around to compare herself to–which, let’s be real, is basically every single time there’s another woman around–ELJ fumbles into making it sound like she’s having a moment of bisexual panic.
Circling back to Christian being a cranky bitch when he doesn’t like the end result that he should have expected from his stupid, random actions, guess who’s unhappy when Ana introduces herself to Grace and it turns out they like each other?
“What a pleasure to meet you,” Grace says with a little too much enthusiasm for my liking.
“Dr. Trevelyan-Grey,” Ana says politely.
“Call me Grace,” she says, all at once amiable and informal.
What? Already?
I’ve given up on trying to figure out what this guy fucking wants.
“Call me Grace.” She grins. Christian frowns but Grace continues, “I’m usually Dr. Trevelyan, and Mrs. Grey is my mother-in-law.” She winks at me and sits down.
Dr. Cool Mom wants to know how these crazy kids met, and James manages to make an anti-correction in Grey from FSOG, un-fixing something that she’d fixed all the way back in chapter one. In the original, Christian says this:
“Anastasia interviewed me for the student paper at WSU because I’m giving the commencement speech there this week.”
Which makes sense and is accurate. OK, well, actually this one might be a correction itself and the change got pushed to my Kindle edition (if so, she still missed the one about him conferring degrees in chapter one… and in the upcoming chapter in which he does actually hand out the diplomas). My evidence is Gehayi and Ket Makura’s Das-Sporking sporking of this book which started in 2012 and I believe was using the first run Writer’s Coffee Shop version. So, the original original line from FSOG was this:
“Anastasia interviewed me for the student paper at WSU because I’m conferring the degrees there this week.”
Which I’m putting in green here because it’s the same damn one recycled in Grey. But as it no longer perfectly matches the dialogue of the current edition of FSOG, I must therefore conclude that this entire book is non-canon.
Ana excuses herself to take a call in the middle of her conversation with Grace (rude) thinking it’s Kate, but turns out it’s José:
“Dios mío! Ana!” Holy crap, it’s José. He sounds desperate. “Where are you? I’ve been trying to contact you. I need to see you, to apologize for my behavior on Friday. Why haven’t you returned my calls?”
“Look, José, now’s not a good time.” I glance anxiously over at Christian, who’s watching me intently, his face impassive as he says something to his mom. I turn my back to him.
“Where are you? Kate is being so evasive,” he whines.
“I’m in Seattle.”
“What are you doing in Seattle? Are you with him?”
“José, I’ll call you later. I can’t talk to you now.” I hang up.
Ah, yes, because that’s just what’s been missing from these past few chapters: even more entitled whining. Now with a side helping of ethnic stereotyping.
Christian, meanwhile, is busy being a terrifying little freak again, ignoring his mom while she’s trying to have a conversation with him so he can obsess over Ana’s private phone call.
Who is it?
“Look, José, now’s not a good time,” I hear her say.
That fucking photographer. What does he want?
“I left a message for Elliot, then found out he was in Portland. I haven’t seen him since last week,” Grace is saying.
Ana hangs up.
Grace continues as Ana approaches us again, “…and Elliot called to say you were around. I haven’t seen you for two weeks, darling.”
“Did he now?” I remark.
What does the photographer want?
You know, I’m starting to feel a bit bad for calling Grace an overbearing parent earlier, if this is the way her son treats her. She barely sees her kids, seems to have no idea what’s going on in their lives, and this one at least doesn’t give the slightest shit about what’s going on in hers.
What is it with everyone being all up in everyone else’s business in these books? All these people are constantly pestering each other for personal details that they feel entitled to. Guess I haven’t mentioned it in a while, but here’s your reminder for this chapter that I hate every character. Yeah, everyone already knows that Christian takes it to insanely creepy levels, but literally every character is a nosy bitch who is incapable of minding their own business. I feel bad for ELJ’s immediate circle if this is what she thinks it means to care about someone.
Ana hangs up on José and walks back over to Christian and his mom, where she says “Grace is in full flow,” which is another turn of phrase ELJ really seems to like because I’m pretty sure she uses it multiple times, but just sounds to me like Grace is on her period and it’s a heavy flow day. TMI, James, TMI. Grace says goodbye after exchanging like five words with her son’s new fuck buddy because she doesn’t want to intrude. Grey tells us at first that he’s “grateful she’s intuitive and can read a situation,” but I don’t know, man, are you?
“Of course, darling.” Grace turns her bright–and if I’m not mistaken, grateful–smile on Ana.
It’s irritating.
It is irritating, though, considering the implication here is that Grace is all ready to kiss Ana’s feet in gratitude because James still cannot fucking let go of The Gay ThingTM. And when I say implication, I mean she helpfully spells it out for us:
My mother’s always thought I was gay. But as she’s always respected my boundaries, she’s never asked me.
STOP IT.
After his mom leaves, Christian notes that Ana is “radiating anxiety… as she should be,” and I black out from rage briefly. Bruh, do you want her to be constantly on edge around you, or are you just saying that she deserves to be anxious and guilty for taking a call from José? He confirms that that was who she was talking to and that José called to apologize for the forced kiss, which he isn’t happy about, but only because he thinks “Perhaps [José] wants another shot at her.”
Anyway, Christian gets an email from his CFO, Ros, about the Darfur stuff again, and Ana stands in place like a Sim waiting for a new task while he calls her. His conversation with Ros is just another tasteless appropriation of real-world conflict and human tragedy with a bunch of business/philanthropy jargon thrown in that ELJ clearly does not understand at all. The only point of any of this is to show that Grey is totes a good person with a deeply buried heart of gold because his company is somehow involved in shipping generic, undescribed aid to Darfur. How generous of Mr. Billionaire, amirite?
He hangs up. The warmth in his eyes has disappeared. He looks forbidding, and with one quick glance at me, he heads into his study and returns a moment later. “This is the contract. Read it, and we’ll discuss it next weekend. May I suggest you do some research so you know what’s involved?” He pauses. “That’s if you agree, and I really hope you do,” he adds, his tone softer…anxious even.
“Research?”
“You’ll be amazed what you can find on the internet,” he quips.
Internet! I don’t have access to a computer, only Kate’s laptop, and I couldn’t use the one at Clayton’s, not for this sort of “research” surely.
Just mentally adding “as it should be” onto “his tone (is) softer… anxious even.”
Oh yeah, remember when I mentioned literal eons ago that Ana the college senior in 2011 doesn’t have a computer? Well, she doesn’t, and I still have no idea if this is just ELJ showing her age or if this was just part of her trying to make Ana seem sheltered and unworldly and more in touch with the world of 19th century romantic literature than modernity or whatever. How about you try going to the library, Ana? I can only imagine that she got through four years of school doing everything on the library computers, because there’s no way Kate wouldn’t get fed up with her constantly having to borrow her laptop. And even then, speaking as someone who was a college freshman in 2011, I find it impossible to believe she would’ve survived undergrad never having her own computer. Would she not have had to turn in virtually every assignment online? Did WSU not have the mass scramble to register for next semester’s classes at the stroke of midnight on registration day? Because she’d be screwed in that case if 1) the campus library closed before midnight; 2) all the library computers were occupied; or 3) if she had to wait for Kate to finish registering before she could log into her own student account and do the same.
As per her usual style in Grey, James seems to have acknowledged that basically everyone called bullshit on Ana not having a computer–“How can a student not have a computer? Is she that broke?”–but is too married to her own broken canon to make any changes that actually matter. Sure, she’ll make inconsequential changes in chapter one that only a pedant like me will catch, but heaven forbid she follow the movie’s lead and adjust this one bit of dialogue to have Ana say that her computer is broken rather than nonexistent. It’s like she threw this line by Christian in here to specifically annoy me.
Christian tells her to get ready to drive back to Portland–what happened to her staying for the day and going home that evening?–but Ana wants to call Kate first for some reason, though why exactly she wants to hear her friend’s voice so badly now after being nothing but harried and irritated at their call earlier this morning I’m not sure.
“I’ll just make a call.” I need to hear Kate’s voice.
He frowns. “The photographer?” His jaw clenches and his eyes burn. “I don’t like to share, Miss Steele. Remember that.” His quiet, chilling tone is a warning, and with one long, cold look at me, he heads back to the bedroom.
Holy crap.
I just wanted to speak to Kate, I want to call after him, but his sudden aloofness has left me paralyzed. What happened to the generous, relaxed, smiling man who was making love to me not half an hour ago?
Bro, wut?
OK, first of all, Ana, you can still call after him and tell him you wanted to call Kate! I mean, not that it should be any of his damn business who you want to call. There’s no indication that she did end up calling Kate after this, by the way, so I guess Grey’s little temper tantrum scared her out of it. And secondly, who is the hell is this “generous, relaxed, smiling man” you’re talking about? Have you even met Christian Grey?
Oh, this just gets even better from Grey’s POV, though. And by better, I mean so mind-bogglingly stupid that I can’t even get mad at him for it because trying to decipher Grey’s alien pretzel logic hurts my brain too much:
“The photographer?” I snap. She looks guilty.
What the hell? I don’t like to share, Miss Steele. Remember that.” I storm out of the room before I say anything else.
Is she hung up on him?
Was she just using me to break her in?
Fuck.
Maybe it’s the money. That’s a depressing thought… though she doesn’t strike me as a gold digger. She was quite vehement about me not buying her any clothing.
BRO. WUT. “Break her in?” You seriously think Ana only had sex with you to get rid of her pesky virginity before sleeping with the man she actually wants? Yeah, his hair-trigger jealousy is terrifying, but here it’s just plain silly. And boy, did Christian ever drop his headcanon of José the serial rapist like a hot potato. My dude, none of us like José, but if you’re going to hate him, hate him for the right reasons, like the fact that what he did was sexual assault. Then again, considering this guy has already violated Ana’s boundaries and will continue to do so, I guess from his warped perspective he can only conceive of this as a reason to be jealous. He just doesn’t want someone else playing with his toy.
Also, can we all agree to stop villainizing women as “gold diggers” from here on out, please and thank you? I’ve always hated that trope, and now that I’ve become fully disillusioned with billionaire romances I hate it even more. You know what? Fuck it, I’ll say it: I’m pro-gold digger. I think mercenary, amoral, doin’ -it-for-herself women who are only out to enjoy a casual fling with a hot billionaire and shake him down for his money are based and cool, and I think more of them should be protagonists in stories who don’t just get punished at the end film noir-style.
Because let’s face it, billionaires are the real gold diggers, aren’t they? Aww, poor widdle rich boy feels insecure that women only want him for his money… like, I’m sorry, but he’s the one I’m supposed to sympathize with here? He’s the one I’m supposed to feel outraged is being taken advantage of by all these heartless hussies? Fuck that. Give me a stone-cold femme fatale with an eat-the-rich ethos who’s self-aware about the fact that she still enjoys the finer things. Give me a con artist or a master thief who despises the 0.1% too much to ever fall in love with her mark, but she’ll still happily fuck him for a while if he’s hot enough and good enough in bed.
Oh my God, I just had the most amazing idea for an erotic thriller about a con artist who has a fling with a Christian Grey-type billionaire who becomes her obsessed stalker after she thinks the relationship is over… No, stop it, bad Leanne. You’re not allowed to have any new novel ideas right now when you barely have time to work on your two existing WIPs as it is.
What happens next in this fucking book? Oh right; Christian starts packing spare clothes in for the rest of the week, briefly asking himself why he is before admitting that he just has to stay in Portland at The Heathman for the rest of the week just to be near this chick and make sure she doesn’t trip and fall onto some other dude’s dick, I guess. “There’s still hope, Grey. Hope,” his ATP (Amazing Talking Penis) tells him, referring to the fact that Ana seemed to like being tied up with his tie–personally, I just think she likes him giving her orgasms, but that’s just my opinion–so naturally that means she only needs a teensy nudge to convince her to sign all her bodily autonomy over to him.
After a page and a half of bullshit in Grey–the only thing of note is that he calls his tech guy, Barney, to ask him to send over a laptop for Ana–and a break in FSOG, they’re finally ready to head down to the parking garage. Actually, let’s circle back to his convo with Barney briefly, because it gives us the tiniest bit of insight into what Grey’s company does: Barney is currently designing a solar-powered tablet. So, Grey Enterprises does manufacture some computer tech; makes sense that he’d be able to give Ana a laptop designed by his own company, right? Lol, no, it’s from Apple, because apparently they have company laptops lying around to give away that were made by what should logically be one of their competitors. ELJ has no fucking clue what Christian does for a living.
They get in the elevator, and I think this is as good a stopping point as any, because this post has gotten way longer than I intended and I’m a little exhausted. I’m hoping to have the rest of chapter ten up within a week, but until then, please consider joining my Patreon, supporting me with a one-time donation on Ko-fi, or checking out one of my old books while they’re still available! Right now, I’ve got a bonus post on the trouble with teen vampires up on my Patreon, as well as a movie commentary track for Bram Stoker’s Dracula, and I’m hoping to have more movie commentaries coming soon!
Chapter Nine (Part 2) ~ Table of Contents ~ Chapter Ten (Part 2)
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