“Eat the Rich” – A Twilight x Fifty Shades AU Crack!Spitefic

Yes, I know, I promised you all chapter 10 part 2 of Fifty Shades Revisited weeks ago. It’s coming soon, I promise. I’ve just been busy with a big video project for my fledgling YouTube channel that involves watching basically every Dracula adaptation ever, that’s all, no biggie.

However, I had this zany idea for a a Twilight/FSOG crossover anti-fanfic over a week ago and I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it since then. So, I just had to log into my old fanfiction.net account that I haven’t touched in 12 years to clear out those creative cobwebs and hopefully get the juices flowing again for my own novel-in-progress, and now I’m sharing it with all of you! (Oh, and speaking of my WIP, I have updates coming on that as well, but for now I’ll just say that after a lot of deliberation I think I’m going to try to finish writing what was originally going to be the 2nd book–A Mad, Bad, Dangerous Summer–and hopefully publish that first. Although I may need to rethink yet again if Immortal Artifacts is still a good series title since now book one won’t have anything to do with archeology…)

And yes, I know the timelines don’t match up; Fifty Shades Darker takes place in mid-June 2011 and this part of Breaking Dawn is in September of 2006/2007 (probably). For the sake of this crossover, though, let’s just call this September 2011 and pretend that the events of Fifty Shades up until this point took place over a longer period of time. Also, I don’t know yet if this will just be a crack oneshot or if I’ll end up continuing with it, but in case I do decide to continue I’ve decided that all the Twilight vampires now operate according to basically the same rules as in The Vampires Diaries with some of my own original ideas because I might want to give a certain character a vampire hunter arc which is kinda difficult if the vampires are nigh-invulnerable. So, no sparkling, but just assume all the Cullens have daylight rings. Plus, they have fangs. Renesmee still exists, but I’m not exactly sure how to deal with her yet so we’ll wait and see if I decide to continue with this before I address her.

(Content Warning for gore, graphic violence, and death. Summary: Things don’t exactly go according to plan on Bella’s first hunt as a newborn vampire when a helicopter crashes nearby. Breaking Dawn meets Fifty Shades Darker with TVD-inspired vampire rules.)

Crouching amidst the dense growth of ferns at the base of the tree, Bella closed her eyes and gave herself over fully to her newly heightened senses. It was harder than she thought it would be, which was annoying; not hearing and smelling the woods around her, of course, but sitting still and filtering out the cacophony. The Cullens made it look so easy; how did they manage to move through the world like the perfect, poised Grecian gods and goddesses they were when surely, they were perpetually caught between sensual bliss and sensual torment?

“Relax, Bella,” Edward whispered behind her. “The first time is the hardest for all of us.” His melodious, angelic voice caressed her ear the way his hands might caress her body. It was almost enough to dampen the noise that surrounded her, almost enough to override the frantic zooming of her thoughts and make her forget why they had come out here in the first place.

Almost.

She huffed and tried again, not realizing how tightly she’d been screwing up her face in concentration until she forced herself to relax. The Olympic National Forrest was teeming with life: the droning of a million insect wings, the song of a thousand birds, and—perhaps thirty yards away—the steady thump thump of five or six hearts pumping streams of hot, vital, vibrant blood. She took a bold whiff of the scent of the deer that probed at her nostrils and immediately wrinkled her nose at the sour, spoiled-milk edge. But even still, she couldn’t help the way the dull burning in her throat erupted into flames at the thought of having something so near at hand to slake her thirst. Her gums ached with an unfamiliar pressure; in some distant part of her brain, she knew that alien feeling must be her teeth lengthening into fangs, and in another, even more distant part she wondered if she would be freaking out if she could see herself in the mirror looking every bit as feral as James or Victoria or the sadistically petulant little Jane. But it was hard to care about silly human things like that when the yawning, cloying, bottomless hollow inside of her that had ached to be filled ever since she’d awoken half an hour ago consumed her more and more with each passing moment…

Her muscles coiled tight. She was on the verge of bursting into the clearing to sink her teeth into her prey when the air shuddered with a new explosion of sound: a metallic groaning and the wheeze of failing rotor blades that scared away the deer and had the birds vacating the trees. Bella’s head whipped in the direction of the disturbance just as the impact of what must have been some sort of aircraft rocked the forest floor. In no time at all her keen vampire nose picked up the acrid stench of smoke, but carried with it on the breeze was another new smell—something raw and wet and hot and mouthwatering. Something that she knew—not in her brain, since all rational thought was far beyond her now—was the one and only thing that could satiate the aching emptiness inside of her.

There was no preparation to strike this time. She was only dimly aware of her feet racing along the uneven ground, the forest melting away as her body propelled her along in pursuit of what she craved. The deer no longer existed. Edward no longer existed. The only thing in the world that was real was the blood.

She reached the crash site just as a man was helping a woman out of the tilting helicopter. A scarlet haze had descended over her vision, but only seemed to enhance it rather than cloud it, her eyes zeroing in on the meat of the man’s neck where a vein throbbed delectably. He turned suddenly, his eyes locking on Bella from across the clearing for so brief a moment that a human might have barely caught it. He opened his mouth to speak. She opened hers.

Twenty yards—and a fraction of a second—later, her teeth were buried in his throat. His legs gave out, sending them both to the ground, but the man’s attempts to throw her off him were nothing compared to her new strength. Her fangs pierced his windpipe in her clumsy desperation to find purchase where the hot stream of his life pooled, spraying droplets of red in all directions as blood and air gurgled from his savaged throat. But soon a steady flow of it pulsed into her mouth as she latched onto a vein and sucked hard.

Someone was screaming from what seemed like far away, only to be abruptly silenced with a sharp crack. Not that it mattered. The music of rushing blood filled her ears, filled her entire being like the sound of waves crashing on the beach. For the first time since waking up the rest of the world went blissfully quiet, drowned out by the euphoria of the blood. Only when hands gripped her shoulders in an attempt to wrench her away from her meal did she pull back for just long enough to shove away the interruption with a snarl. She moaned helplessly as she drank, lost in it, found in it, her body wound so tight with need that she quivered like a plucked bowstring with each heated spurt into her mouth.

It was over too quickly. The man’s feeble fight rapidly gave way to irregular jerks and twitches and then nothing at all, his pulse faltering then ceasing long before Bella was sucking up more air than blood from the haphazard punctures in his neck. She yanked herself upright and got off of him unsteadily. Is this what it’s like to be drunk? She thought as reason slowly came back to her. It was only when the hands—Edward’s hands, she now realized—clasped her shoulders again that the reality of what had just happened hit her.

There was a dead person on the ground. A man whose blood was splattered across her face and chest and arms, whose blood still sent warm tingles of repletion shivering through her own veins.

Edward’s voice was strangled when he finally spoke. “Bella… I think you just killed Christian Grey.”

“W-who?” The question seemed to come from somewhere else; her mouth didn’t feel like it belonged to her anymore.

“Christian Grey… the richest, most enigmatic businessman in Washington state,” he said slowly, as if to a toddler… or to a human.

“Oh.” What a weird thing to say, Bella thought dully as she stared down at the dead thing at her feet. Who talks like that? Or did Edward simply always talk like that? Nothing made any sense. Everything had suddenly become a chaotic jumble, like the past minute—or had it not even been that long?—was a jigsaw puzzle that had been dropped on the ground.

Looking past the gore, she truly took in the dead man’s face for the first time. Christian Grey had been quite attractive for a human. She didn’t know how else to describe it, but he looked a lot like how she’d always imagined Heathcliff from Wuthering Heights. Actually, there was something about him that reminded her of Edward. True, his features lacked some of her husband’s refinement, but he had a slightly more rugged appeal to him; perhaps in another life he could have been Edward’s older brother.

Abruptly, a well of panic bubbled up inside her. She whipped around, looking for… something, she wasn’t sure what. She clutched Edward’s arms, but couldn’t face him, couldn’t bear to meet his gaze.

“The woman,” she blurted out. “There… there was a woman with him. Where—?”

A lump of dark fabric on the ground half hidden by Edward’s frame caught her eye. The woman’s suit looked oddly pristine contrasted with the horrific scene in the clearing. For a moment Bella wondered if the stranger had fainted from shock, until she noticed the unnatural angle her head was twisted at.

Edward’s cool fingers caressed her cheek, and at last she looked up into his tortured gaze. “You know I would do anything to protect you,” he whispered solemnly.

She blinked up at him, but before she could comprehend what he was saying he was a whirl of motion, busying himself around the crash site. In mere moments he had dragged the two bodies back into their seats in the helicopter. She watched him, wondering numbly if she should help or if she should take off running deep into the woods where no one would ever find her, when the glint of something shiny on the ground where Grey’s body had just been caught her eye. A BlackBerry. She picked it up without thinking.

It’s alright, she told herself, trying to locate the spark faith and hope that had kept her going for the past month until Renesmee’s birth. Everything’s going to be alright. The Cullens will know what to do. Besides, this was bound to happen eventually, right? Everyone makes mistakes as a newborn…

“Come on. Let’s go home,” Edward said when he was done, his face a mask of marble.

Wordlessly, Bella took his offered hand, and together the two of them sprinted back to the house.

~~~

A shaky sigh escaped Ana’s lips as she stared at her haunted reflection in the bathroom mirror. Her too-big eyes were red-rimmed from another fit of crying and she looked as pale as a ghost, almost incorporeal. She was starting to feel almost incorporeal, too; she knew she was in for a classic Katharine Kavanaugh scolding for not eating properly when she got home from work, but how could anyone expect her to eat when Christian was missing?

Three days. It had been three days since Charlie Tango was last seen, and along with it the man she loved—the man who should have been her fiancé by now had she only seized the day like he’d said.

Oh, Fifty… my poor, sad, scarred Fifty! She barely held back from sobbing all over again. Was this her punishment for not having enough faith in him?

She sighed again and braced herself to face the rest of the SIP office once more. With heroic stoicism she ignored her coworkers as she forced herself to march into the kitchen. Yes, a banana and some yoghurt she could manage… barely. She had just started preparing a cup of tea to accompany her sad little lunch when she caught a snippet of conversation between three of her coworkers just outside the breakroom door.

“Well, if they haven’t found him yet, he’s gotta be dead, right?”

“Yeah, probably… you think maybe that serial killer or whoever was ‘disappearing’ all those people over the summer got him?”

“I don’t know. Wasn’t that just happening here in Seattle? I thought he supposedly got lost in his helicopter flying back from Portland or something?”

“Sounds more like he pulled a Ken Lay and faked his own death. Hundred bucks says there’ll be a whole bunch of fishy stuff coming out about Grey Enterprises real soon, just watch.”

“Who’s Ken Lay?”

“Oh, I guess you’re too young to remember Enron. There’s this documentary about it called The Smartest Guys in the Room; you should check it out, it’s pretty good.”

“Whatever. I don’t know why the news and the cops and everyone thinks we should care so much about one rich white guy anyway. Shouldn’t all those killings be the real story? I’m telling you, we’ve got a fucking serial killer in this city and the police are just pouring all their effort into looking for some stupid billionaire to cover up their own incompetence…”

Ana’s hand shook and she dropped her cup, spilling hot water on the floor. Oh, this was just too much! She fled the kitchen, miraculously managing not to trip over her own feet in her haste to get away from her gossiping coworkers and their callous words. She slammed the door of Jack’s old office shut and collapsed into the chair, feeling lightheaded and a little queasy. She gazed dispassionately for a moment at the mountains of manuscripts piling up on the desk and put her head in her hands. Perhaps she should just call off sick for the rest of the day…

She was still contemplating what to do when her BlackBerry rang. She answered the call without looking to see who it was, trained to assume it must be Christian, only for her heart to sink lower than she imagined it could when it turned out to just be Kate.

“Ana… I’m at the Grey’s house now with Elliot.” Her best friend’s voice was soft yet strained. “I know you’re at work, but could you come over? There’s… been news about Christian.”

Suddenly her heart was in her mouth. “N-n-news? What… what is it?” She could barely get the words out. “Kate, you have to tell me!” Why was Kate the first to know? Why did no one else call her? Oh, she should have been there with Christian’s family this whole time!

The pause at the other end of the line seemed to go on for an eternity. “They found his helicopter. It crashed in the woods not far from some little town called Forks. His CFO, Ros, was still in her seat… dead. She was dead. But they still haven’t found Christian yet.”

They still haven’t found Christian yet.

They. Still. Haven’t. Found. Christian. Yet.

The phone fell from Ana’s hand, clattering to the floor just before she did. And then the world went black.

Well, wasn’t that fun and deliciously dark! Not my personal best work, but this was just something quick-n’-dirty I wrote to get this idea out of my head and clear up some writer’s block I’ve been dealing with, and I did my best to capture the vibe of Bella and Ana’s inner monologues while writing in 3rd person. Also, it should be pretty obvious that this was a purely indulgent piece I came up with simply because I wanted to see Christian Grey get brutally slaughtered by a vampire and also see Bella Swan face actual repercussions for her decision to become a vampire.

Let me know what you think in the comments! I’m really curious to see where other people imagine this might go and what your thoughts are on possibly continuing with it. I have so many other things going on (I mean, that’s not new) that I don’t know if or when I’ll have time to continue it, but we’ll see…

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